The Beginning of a Love Affair……

It’s past midnight and I am as awake as an owl, there is something that’s bothering me today. I am not really sure what it is but I think I know what it is. I think I need to make a confession, ya I think I need to…..

Songs may run away from bombs and bullets, but they have a piercing quality that mocks at limitations of time and space. I guess this is just one of those moments! As Sufi music plays in my background, I write to confess, I write to share…..

I write to discover the beginning of another love affair……

It’s surprising how I hated her the first time I met her, it was a blind date, really. She was hot as hell but she made me very uncomfortable. I just wanted to get away from her, run away from her, I wanted to run back to my world… but I stayed on, and I am glad I did.

I stayed on that evening, she spoke for most of the evening and I quietly listened. As the date moved on she made me feel a little comfortable and a little more. By the end of it, I was smiling. I went home, tucked myself in bed & smiled.

The next few days were rather interesting. There were days when I hated everything about her, her language, her posture, her looks even her non existent energy. But then there were days where I would love her simplicity, her calmness, her sense of being.

“Mohe sood bood na rahi tan man ki, ye to jaane duniya sari
Bebas aur lachar phirun mein, hari mein dil hari” ….Kailash Kher

(Translation)

"I don’t have a sense of being any more, the entire worlds knows it
I roam around helpless and useless, I am in love, I am in love”

There I was, head over heels about her, even before I realized it. In a world where options run out before you can say Hello, it was extraordinarily mind boggling to discover that nature had allowed this sort of perfect symmetry, the epitome of a serendipitous beauty to exist. When I look back I cannot put my finger on the moment when I fell in love with her but I know how it felt. It happened as I spent more time with her, as I matured and became more aware of my feelings.

I would feel a sense of contentment just spending time with her. There were days when I did not do anything in particular and did not want to either.

She looks beautiful against the backdrop of the setting sun. At the end of a long weary day when amber & saffron hues touch her skin, her face glows up in that radiance…hiding in that light some of those lines which are a reminder of the dark times she has seen. Each unfortunate incident etched upon her tender skin has left an indelible impression – each line has a story to tell. Together they all lent a jaded character to her appearance. But I see past those lines and see the beauty in her eyes.

I have to agree, I am captivated by all that is new and exciting. Everyday, after a few minutes spent reminiscing about her, I get back to the humdrum of the day. It’s only when I catch sight of her every morning, I feel an upsurge of all the emotions I fell for her.

I know it’s just a beginning but it feels like an old bond that just was reunited. I don’t know what the future holds for me in this relationship, but it feels right. It makes me smile, it makes me laugh, it makes me feel special every single day.

Just for the record, she is not all that sweet and sugar coated as you think. She acts quiet bitchy at times but she is still the sweetheart. I am glad I met her, I am glad my work got me to this CITY!! :)

Me and her (Delhi) have a long way to go….
This is just the beginning of my love affair with a familiar city still unknown……..

Conversations and Me

I am sure by now you have figured out that this is the first in my series of

‘Conversation and Me’.

‘Conversations & Me’ is free from any event or occasion in my life. It’s even free from any title cause it discusses moments, thoughts that spring up in irregular intervals.

‘Conversations & ME’ dsnt really search for answers cause it realizes that there may be no questions in the first place……

It just provides me a platform to say what I want to say…Once again…

Hope you like it………

Series 1

It’s Saturday night, I am relaxing at home, almost mid night now actually…..Spent most of my day relaxing and practically doing nothing at home today. I guess wasn’t really in a mood to socialize today.

It comes as a surprise dsnt it? A party animal, who loves meeting friends, meeting new people, socializing all the time…..ya I know that’s me, well at least I think that’s me.

A very close friend of mine warned me the other day to stop going for movies all alone, YA I do go for movies all by myself! Its not that I don’t have friends to go out with or who don’t ask me out, I just like the idea of going all alone!!

It’s great to do that, really. You don’t have to answer anybody, you can dress up the way you want, you can make a plan which will work out only if u want it too and it won’t if u don’t want it too. Isn’t that a great feeling to be completely responsible for your own behavior?? And also enjoy the fruits of your own efforts without compromising on anything???? I think it is, I quiet enjoying being alone, lonely, spending time by myself, observing, analyzing, being ME.

But wait; is this the beginning of what I think it is? Or is it just my dumb usual imagination? Am I loosing my brains trying to argue with my own self and come up with answers to my own question? Am I smoking up or simply reaching Nirvana? I think I am turning into a healer of some sort…. Only in my case I can only heal myself…

May be I have been PRing for too long now, yaaaa PRing that’s what I do remember? I am a Public Relations professional who strategies and plans and helps build a clients perception and image in a positive light, Right? Ya that’s what I do, I also socialize with journalists, CEO’s, corporate, marketing managers, photographers, cameramen and a lot more people every day. I answer double the number of phone calls in a day that a call center person even attempts on making! If there is anything called Ear Cancer, I know I’ll be the first one to hit by it……seriously!!!

On a serious note, after a little more than 2 years in the profession I am not too sure if this is what I want to do all my life, really, I really don’t know. I believe I am good at what I am doing; at least that’s what my colleagues think and luckily my boss too. But I am not too sure if this is what I want to do, the more I get involved in the business of PR I see Anupam loosing his identity somewhere. Each day is more fruitful when it comes to my work; I am learning new things and learning to strategize better. I know learning brings a lot of changes, most of the time positive ones, but it dsnt change your identity right?

Does it?

I know I am a fighter, I cant remember when was the last time I gave up a good fight, its like in the day I am practically hungry for more work, and work with perfection. Mistakes are meant to be made but I don’t believe in the idea of repeating them twice. In my world growth is constant, but not at the speed of a tortoise but not at the speed of a hare either. I love a hectic day which drains me out physically but leaves me with a sense of being complete. Sounds like making of a great professional right?

May be, may be not….

What if I tell you that I want to quit this great job, quit this industry and just pack my bags and leave from home. Leave to a place undecided, uncertain, with a future as dark as it could possibly get, only with a hope of silver lining. A hope that I hope to create as I backpack across the country on my parents money, ya I am being honest, I don’t think I can afford more than a month of backpacking on my own money. Unless I plan to find a job as I walk along…..but one sec I already have a job so… why would I do that then?

May be I will, may be I won’t…..

I can’t get over the fact that I would get up each day without a plan or a thought in my mind. I can’t get over the fact that my day would begin at a certain place but most certainly wouldn’t end there, defntly not in the same condition. I can’t get over the fact that my eyes could possible wake up to the plush green mountains with sun rays that would sink into my skin like they were talking over. The swish breeze would bring along a sense of freedom that I perhaps would welcome with my arms spread wide. The ground would perhaps hold me tight as I stand at the edge of a mountain, looking towards the endless valley that encompasses a world of secrets, naked to the human eye.

Perhaps I’ll pluck some fresh berries for breakfast, perhaps go fishing for lunch. Perhaps I’ll stop by to help the villager push his cart back on the road; perhaps I’ll ride with him to the next village unknown.

I know it might not be a perfect morning every day, but it’ll be a different morning at least? I know I might not eat the best breakfast one day, but at least eat something in a day? I know I’ll leave a lot of things behind, but I’ll also leave space for new things to sink in…..

I know I am dreaming…..but I always have….

I don’t know if I’ll ever have the courage to take this step, I don’t know if I’ll ever breath freedom the way I perceive it as? I don’t know if I’ll quit PR or simply change the meaning of PR in this country…..but I defntly know something,:-

• I know whatever I do I’ll give it my 100%, cause I am uneducated to understand anything less……

• I know I’ll eventually live my life on my own terms and leave the rest of things to be just incidental…

• I know I’ll never stop dreaming, cause I dream more than I actually breath……

• I know I’ll smile as I lay on my death bed, dreaming about dreaming once again!!

****

Addicted to Bad Relationships

I met this really awesome girl a while back, she was almost perfect. She was good looking, charming, intelligent, smart, confident and a lot of other things that I would like my girl to be. She was interested in me too and so was I, but things dnt seem to be going our way, the more I got closer to her the more I saw myself drifting apart. In moments of silence with myself I wundt rember her, she wudnt be my top priority….

I thought I was in love because I lost my mind. Isn’t it that’s how they defined love: when you feel going out of yourself to reach out for the other?

But I was also scared I was gonna hurt her, I was scared I was gonna loose her, I was scared things were gonna turn nasty with her….. I dumped her!!!

The inevitable split between us, is actually a pause. These pauses are the periods when I pretend that I’ve found the strength to move on, or the (in)significant other has expressed a need for space. The more I try to be adamant in my decision to end it up, the more I find myself yearning for this (in)significant other.

Just like all addictions, relapsed catalyst are like lap dancers: they taunt you with her seductive movements, moving your desires like a whirpool until finally her presence will occupy your mind till you will stand up to reach out for her.

We dnt speak to each other for a while, then we started talking again, we spoke again, and we spoke again. After a month of conversations I met up with her and some of her friends for a drink, I made a point not to drink too much just to be safe. By the next day morning I was seeing her again.

That night was a night of conversations, we spoke about my fears and my thoughts, I spilled my heart out and things looked better. A week into the relationship again and I loved the way it was going, she gave me my space, we spoke often, I wasn’t obliged to meet up with her often, I finally felt that she understood me.

Untill she sent me an email, yes an email. Her email explained about the way she thught of things, she felt I was not giving the relationship enough and she dnt even want to be friends with me cause she said she already had enough of them, this time SHE dumped me!!

Another bad relationship, only this time it really left me in a thinking stage. Was I expecting too much out of it? Was it wrong to expect my space? Was it wrong to not meet up with my gf for a week cause I had other things to do also……may be I was wrong? May be it was all my fault? May be I suck at relationships?

I will not deny that I’ve been into bad relationships before. The roller coaster ride of breaking up and making up was so enticing and thrilling in the beginning. Then, it turned to be like a bad habit and I find myself hooked with seemingly no visible exits!

Why can’t we quit a person when it’s only giving us stress or shall we say, a bad relationship? I see it as an addiction. It is common for a person in a love relationship to become addicted to the other. I’ll bet one of you will argue that it is simply love or sense of commitment, right?

I think love and commitment gives you a freedom to choose another person. On the contrary, when you have a compulsive drive to go back to this person, then it is limiting your freedom, so it is addiction! The same holds true for smoking, drinking, gambling, etc.

Whether our addiction is to a substance or a person, this sense of incompleteness, emptiness, despair, sadness, and being lost will find its relief when we are in touch with this something or someone outside ourself.

A loving relationship is one in which the loved one is free to be himself - to laugh with me, but never at me; to cry with me, but never because of me; to love life, to love himself, to love being loved. Such a relationship is based upon freedom and can never grow in a jealous heart.

Freedom is what I need thus I completely turned my back away from every bad relationship I find myself in . I have found a person who will be by my side and never leave me, always giving me the strength, love and support I need… and that person is MYSELF.

I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

I’ve learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life.

I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Sometimes it dsnt!

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both
hands; you need to be able to throw some things back. I just did!

I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.

I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn…….