Sinfull Peacefull...3( Contd)

But this time i am shiiting in my pants alright.....but i am very very very excited. I am excited cause i am expected to jump into a river and i dnt even know how to SWIM........ They take us to this 40 feet high cliff....., put a life jacket on us, a helmet, and just ask u to jump. No ropes attached, no saftey rules, stand in an upright position, hands close to the body, legs tightly clinged together.... in attention position and jump.....i stood for sometime there actually quiet a lot of time and started watching people jumping and backing out. Some did out of sheer embarrassment; some wanted to conquer their fears..... some backed out.....and somebody like me just watched. When it was time for me to jump......i removed my floaters, wore my life jacket, my helmet.. started walking towards the cliff point, stood there for 1 second, looked straight, held my position, suddenly i hear the sound jump from the back of my ear and. i jumped.....my eyes are tightly closed and i can feel the water coming closer and closer... i was suddenly dropped from 40 feet into this river like some HE Man picked me from my tshirt and threw me straight down…... and for gods sake i cnt swim to save my life.....suddenly with a big splash i find myself going down and down and down and straight popping up from the river...like how the soda pops right of the bottle….....oooo my godddddd..... what a feeling..... what an awesome adrenaline rush....i had no words... this life saving raft picked me up immediately as i fell down and i was safe... but i still was enjoying that rush....it was fantastic..... i dnt even wait for a sec for them to tell me and i just jumped ......really.... u have to try something like this at least once.... its worth it…….its worth every single minute.....or rather every single sec.....

The 10 year old Anupam happily walks back to the camp, with his floaters in one hand and dancing and smiling..... Feeling this sense of partial fulfillment of achieving every thing he ever wanted to achieve in his life.......dancing and smiling I walk to my tent….with some strange music in my head……we are now informed that the second and difficult leg of the water run( river Rafting) will begin.... i have a feeling this will be a good one...

After some 10 minute ka break we get into the gear and hopped on to the raft and there we all ready to goooo... i find that we have a new guide now.....he sounds better atleast.,... he was good actually... he briefed us well again on how we shuld raft., what we shuld do in the heavy currents.....and stuff....we started paddling and he gave us trial lessons also....before we hit the big waves....we strted moving towrds the bigger ones../.i am confidently sitting right in the front on the edge with my feet locked on raft.....paddling away to glory.... remind u..i am the one who dsnt know how to swim.... but fear apparently dnt feature in my dictionary then.....so there i was paddling aways to glory.... the cuurents cam in quiet strong and it was a n awesome feel to have cold, fast water being just splashed on ur face ....it was fantastic...........then.. when the water was a little calm... the guide informed us that if we wnated to do body surfing...we could just jump into the water.......i had no clue what the hell that meant... so i asked him what the hell was that... he told me ... u jump into the water and u will know....i informed him that i dnt know how to swim..... he said dnt worry i am there.,.... u jump.... well he said jump.... so i jumped.....plain simple........yes...i did really jump into a flowing river about 30 -40 feet deep water....wearing a life jaket and not knowing how to swim......it was great fun... i found mysel;f flotaing aways to glory a.... and i enjoyed every bit of it... i was floating for alomt 1 km in the water.... without any fear and iit was damn good...... i mean reallyy....

After some time i came on the boat and started paddling again... tis time it was still water. As the other rafts came closer to us we started throwwing water on them from a bucket which was in out raft.....suddenly alomst 7 rafts full of grown people...with an average age of 32-34 are throwing cold water at each other........from the ganga river.....and trust me I personally ensured every single one of them got completely wet......trust me i was like this undisputed champion who kept on consistently throwing water at everybody...infact a sophisticated couple from Delhi was lying around on the raft and chillin... and suddenly i come closer and i thorw a bucket full of chilled water on them......ooo boy that was a site........the gentleman wanted to murder me after that .... Really he wanted to kill me and i was getting these sadistic pleasures at my achievement..... hehehe that was really a lot of fun.....we passed threw a few more strong rapids... and then ended it after some time.;.....the moment we stepped out we had some nice chana chor garam.... yummy ..... and headed back for the camp.....played some beach volley ball and chilled .....

The night was fun , born fire, live music, a nice drink and calm composed river to look at chilled out.,.. had fun with people..after this we moved on to go to Chamba the next day.......... chilled out day... got a massage done and then evening we chilled again...drove back from Chamba to Delhi the next day

Once I Delhi it was back to the usual day, working and stuff. Worked for another day… and next day I was back in Mumbai….on my flight back I was alone and hence I had a lot of things to think about what went right in the trip .. what went wrong…. Things I did etc…

I dnt know if i left a part of me there behind at Rishikesh or found a new part of me in Rishikesh,,, i am still looking for an answer.,.... hope i can find it sooon.......

Sinfully Peacefully ...2 ( Contd)

We landed at the beach... literally.....i hear this bald guy whistling at us and calling us a few steps ahead... it was easy to figure out that the guys was in charge of the camp..... a few guys from the camp handed us these ice cold aromatic towels to clean our hands and faces.... suddenly i felt like royalty....they gave us nice cold orange/mango juices to drink.....which felt nice and we were refreshed.....The bald guy was Akshay...yes... the guy in charge for the camp.....Akshay started briefing us on the rules of the camp and gave us a brief on what was installed for the rest of the day.....he informed us about our tents... our loo’s...and blah blah blah blah....all set i moved towards my tent which i shared with one of my client.... actually the business head ....fabulous guy with great business sense and a great person to know.....

A nice tent, set up a little higher on the rocks, bed with a towel, Osho chapels, a packet of Biotique products, toothpaste and a couple of other essential accessories which was quiet not expected frankly speaking .... but since they were there ... it felt great.... luxury actually

As soon as i walked out of the camp....natures call..... and boy was it a strong one.. i could almost feel the strong currents....as strong as the rafting experience a while back…. i am not kidding man.,.. Seriously... i ran to the loo ..my search for the loo by now had a become a treasure hunt... i knew what i was looking for, i dnt know what it looked like.....but i needed it desperately.....i saw this maroon kind of rectangle tents and i ran in their direction....i opend the curtains, zipped my pants down and i get the shock of my life... instead of a loo... i find myself standing in front of a neat , very clean BOX.... yes i am write... it was a big 2 feet high box which had the cover of the pot.......which read specially disinfected......i mean wow.... i dnt know what to do.... suddenly i remembered that baldy Akshay had briefed us on it and said... that lift the box, use it, use the toilet paper on the left.. when u are done....get up and just throw a bucket of sand over it so that it dsnt smell..... the whole in the 2 feet thunder box.,.... as i wish to call it was almost 5 feet ... which was good.... i was quiet amused and it felt like....really being on the outskirts....i mean really living life away from the daily facilities and more like surviving without luxury.....

Post my thunder box experience.... i had a nice bath with warm water... refreshed.... i walk back towards my tent and hear some news on the other side on the beach... i realize that not too many people are around my side… .... so even i change my direction and move towards the yelling, and music and some other unrecognizable sounds also..............I find myself among a group of people, a born fire and a lot of drinks happening....wow..,. How kewl is that......drinks at Shivpuri ( this is the place where we were staying but a little away from the city)

I grabed myself a drink, chilled out with everybody, nice group of friendly people,,, people singing ...and getting drunk and discussing the way they reached the camp just basically getting to know each other.....i was too tried.... by now... the vodka shots started getting on to me... so i decided to leave and go back to my tent.... i walked through the pebbles and the stones... and the soft sand which i cudnt see.....walked into my tent .,.. and just crashed.....

I was dreaming by now... of something which i dnt remember.....suddenly i hear the sound of a flute.... and what an amazing sound....it was like the sounds of the hills, the birds, the rivers, nature playing its best music ever... i was quiet sure i was dreaming and refused to open my eyes...... i dnt want to get up... dnt want to get up with a fear that i will loose this peacefull music if i open my eyes.....but almost after 5 minutes i gave up.... i open my eyes and hear the same music.....by now i am delighted.... i am surprised.....i again have that stupid smile on my face .... Like a kid i jump out of my bed and run towards the open grounds….... i throw open the curtains of my tent and see the most beautiful and I mean the most beautiful site in front of me..... a silver sand beach, a slow moving river and green mountains spread across all over......and to top it all the same music... on my right a couple of feet away stood this nepali guy from the hills playing the most melodious sounds of flute that i had ever heard.......my dream came true...literally and for once i was glad that i opened my eyes .......soothing, beautiful, melodious, calm, warm, healthy sounds and ambience which just set the mood to a greater high..... if ever In my life I can say that felt like heaven….that was it.. that moment has still frozen in me forever.. the very thought of it leaves me in a state of awe…


I walk down bare foot on the beach for my cup off coffee set right in middle of all the tents....make my cup......and just stand there and loom around... in had nothin to more to say or do then....just wanted to soak every single feeling that was .....slowly people started getting up and we started chatting up with each other..... the baldy Akshay walks in again.... and asks us all to get ready for a jungle trek...... i looked at him and i wnated to shout...." its bloody 6 \'ol clock in the morning and u want me to go on a jungle trek.... whats wrong with u\'\'\' but i quietly walk into the room, change, wear my shoes and i am ready...ready for the jungle trek too...\n\n \nthe whole ambience, nature made me feel very fresh and great... and i was almost ready for anything.....we once again take the raft and head towards the other end towards the mountains......we start our jungle trek along with other people.... boy it was a tough one.....but the uphill and down hill walk following directions was once again like great exciting trip for me......i was tired but i enjoyed every bit of it.....we came back had a very nice breakfast and then were informed that we will be headed for some rafting....white water raftig.....we drove up towards rishikesh... to this place called Marine Drive.....Akshay briefed us on the rafting bit, we were geared up for it and we all started in excitment and everything.... but the water at that leg was very calm and composed so.,.. the rafting was just okkk nothing much... we just paddled and after some 50 minutes reached our camp back.... basically we had a horrible guide .....ya... everything cnt go right.... so there we were ... we had lunch at the camp... which was yummy again.... and then somebody told me that we were going to do cliff jumpinmg......i am happy once again...

Contd on 3.......

Sinfully Peacefull (1)

This is a while ago.. Almost a good 6-7 months back……I went on an official trip..This was supposed to be work and pleasure both.

The event was an SUV car rally staring from Delhi moving on to rishikesh and stuff…to promote the brand. Since I was the only guy in office besides my Director… I was the lucky one who was assigned to work on it….i made a face about working on a holiday but I knew that I was very happy about it and I knew it was going to be a lot of fun….

So there it was.. I went to Delhi… 2 days before the actually went.. Was working most of the time....then came the rally day... we started our day with a lovely breakfast at Olive... which was yummy...huge spread and really very yummy.....

There were about 13 teams participating including a couple of celeb teams... the interesting part was they were all SUV’s like ford Endeavour, Honda CRV, Pajero, Prado, and a lot more

All teams drove from Delhi to Rishikesh for about 8 hours straight without stopping.... and boy it was soo much fun.,…...actually the car was quiet horrible....cause three people cant sit at the back......too congested.. any case...

While we were going I was part of one of the media team and I quoet enjoyed it. Cause we stopped after every 30 minutes and shot a couple of angles… which was quiet interesting

We parked our cars and the organisers asked us to take our bags and move in a certain direction....it was pitch dark and we culd only see some part of the road cause of a torch... suddenly we see some light.... i see a beautiful; candle lit pathway in pitch dark surrounding guiding us to certain place.... small pebles set the ground while the candles put in colourfull paer bags over some sand laid all the light ......as we moved closer i could here sound of some gushin water....


Suddenly i find myself standing on the edge of a beach..... with fast running... no actually gushing water and these guys loading luggage and people on the raft....and suddenly i realize that the rally has begun... te feeling sinks in... where i start feeling excited yet i am a little scared.....so many thoughts but i dbt know what to do.. i did what everybody did... followed instructions......somebody took my luugage..... threw a life jacket at me... i looked at teh life jacket like a piece of art.... cause i had never worn one.... nooo i am exaggertaing... i wore it easily.....and just went to the guy to make sure it was fitted well.... not so that i look good but purely cause it was supposed to save my life rember............!!!!!!!!!!

Anyways i folded my jeans, and hopped on to the raft.... held on tightly to the saftey ropes.... the guy pushed the raft in to the water and i could feel it... i could feel my fear gripping on to me..... i had this smile on my face which was like a kid who was let loose in this world of excitmenet and adventure.....something he had never faced before... as the nepali guide rafted the boat... i could feel the crrents getting stonger.. my jeans were a little wet by now.... not cause i peeeed into them stupid.. cause the water from the rapids kept coming inside ......we were suddenly out of the blue caught in this big water rapid which just threw us a couple of ffeet away.... luckily on the right side of the raft........my heart beat shot up and my smile became stronger..... i wasnt too sure if i was scared or was i enjoying it.... but i just smiled... and smiled more ... untill the water calmed down and we moved closer to the beach camp.....that is whn i realised that the child in me wasnt scared... wasnt scared at all... its just that the whole ambience away from the bustling trffic and given me some kind of a high.... i felt like i had started to smoke the pot ... and began to enjoy the feel of it......


Continued in Part 2...

Cause i fell in Love.....

Once upon a time, a long time ago, I fell in love. And there was laughing and funny breaths and happiness. There was much rejoicing. And then, SHUT! Over. Gone. Dead. Completely cut off. Disconnected. The taste still fresh in my mouth. The smell still on my skin. The feeling left in my fingertips. But I can't get that feeling back. I may spend my entire life trying to get back into that Polariod. Fighting all the way. The best thing I have ever known. Even now, years later, anytime I come close to it I want to dive in.

Sink or swim. I don't care. I would give anything to be even in the room next to it. Across the street. A breath away. Remembering what I never let myself forget. Looking someone in the eye and knowing; another time, another place, it is right there. In front of me. Within reach. Just open my fingers and wrap them around it. Hold it tightly. And never let it go. Never. Never!!

I fought. I fought hard. But only with myself. Sometimes I wonder if I should have fought harder? With HER. With IT. Tried to work it out. It all made sense for about fifteen seconds. Just enough time to say, ?You're right.? What the hell was I thinking. Why didn't I say . . . . something. My line of thinking was ?if she doesn't want it, I don't want to push it.? Why try to keep her where she doesn't want to be? But she did want to be there. She had to.

She was happy!!!

There were nights I cried. When we were together and then I took her home and on the way home I cried…again…... Not because I was sad, or even missed her already, but because I was happy. So happy I couldn't contain myself. I talked to God. Whether I believed in him or not. And I said thank you. Over and over. Again and again. I couldn't believe it was real. That I could actually touch her. Kiss her. Look into her perfect dark brown eyes and see myself. But I could. I had seen her before. IN the coffee shop. And I said to myself ?I would give up everything if she would even turn my way.? She was light years beyond me. Another plane. Another class. Confident, beautiful, at peace. So sure. Not for me. I couldn't even dream it. No way could I ever make it real. Did she feel what I felt? I have to believe she did.. really she did… exactly like the way I felt about her….

If I didn't it would be so hard to breathe.. so hard to SURVIVE. So hard to get up in the morning. So hard to be. No one will be her. No one will have those dark brown eyes. No one will have that one lock of hair hiding all her secrets. And no one, ever again (shudder) will make me whole. Not like that.

I'm scared. I'm so scared. What if it is real? What if never? What if I'm right? Do you ever wonder, do you ever ask yourself, ?can I live without love?? Can I open my eyes? I'm afraid to. There is a feeling. You know it. This trembling completeness. This warmth. That makes everything big. And you are ten feet tall all the time. Everyone is looking at you. You are the one. The one she chose. The one she calls when everything is wrong, and when everything is right! She is the one who reaches out for you. For ME and only ME.

She once said ? I need you.? I was done. That was what I was looking for all my life. Those words. For something so pure as this creature to need ME! Could not be real. Could not be my life. But it was. Of course, it WAS! It isn't anymore. It is gone. So far away. And it will never be there again. I see little pieces of it everywhere. A glance, a smile, a touch. I feel desperate. I feel alone. So much out there. But I only want to hear one thing. Not sure what. But I will know. If I ever get the chance.

I will stretch out my fingers, grasp it tightly, and NEVER LET IT GO! But till then; I will be here. With my open hand. And my desperate heart. And my cold skin. Slowly, regrettably, forgetting just enough that I can survive from one day to the next. To remember is to suffer. To see what was and then look at what is. To hear a voice, feel my heart stop. Watch my breath studder in the cold. She, She can be almost anyone. She can read me like a book. I will open to any page for anyone. Cover to cover. Nothing to hide. Not the fear, the pain, or the hopelessness. It is all there. Large print ; easy to read.

Secrets dissolve in tears. Dissipating into honesty, innocence, need. I was lost and now I'm found. I was blind but now I see. Maybe I don't want to. ……

I know I am over it…....May be I am not!!

Will I ever go weak on my knees again? Will somebody rock my world again? Someday……..Once Again….