My Enclosure

Like all other Human beings i am forced to think good about myself, think about things that will benefit me in any way, mental or emotional... My Enclosure is the by product of the selfish, always demanding me, space to write my thoughts and my opnions...probably when i grow older... i'll have a space that i would call ....MINE.....My Enclosure... my space, my mind, a reflection of ME and only me......

Thursday, September 09, 2010

WHY BOYS CRY!!!!

She can kill with a smile, she can wound through her eyes, she can ruin your faith with her casual lies. She only reveals what she wants you to see…..She hides like a child but she’s always a woman to me…….


You know its funny but most girls dream of men that are strong, independent, have a voice and are also slightly in touch with their emotional side. Well atleast I think that’s what they desire….but lets say for once they do…..

Men like these are not only rare and difficult to find but are also more prone to getting hurt and not being able to move on. My next few lines is about someone like that, its not just about the struggle this individual faces with love, emotions, family, friends but also about the journey that goes through a lot of rough weathers. Its story of a Captain that struggles his way through an ocean alone…… an ocean that seems to never end, an ocean that reaps the story of revenge, an ocean that knows to throw a storm, an ocean that spells the word… Its WRONG!!!

Having grown up with the boys most of the time, the boy seeks love at every stage of his life. Whether it’s from family, friends, the cute neighbour that he has a crush on or someone that he just happened to bump into. Grounded by his beliefs in the almighty and seeking moments of happiness in the smallest of things he does, the boy grows to become a man as he struggles his way through the corporate world. While honesty and trust are the key things that drive this mans belief he never fails to ever disappoint anyone who ever asks for it. He seeks similar values in the friends that he makes, he seeks similar values in the relationships he makes.

He dreams like there is no tomorrow, he believes in those dreams like there is no tomorrow. He falls in love never to rise again, he falls in love only because he doesn’t understand the game. A game that the world plays at every moment of life, a game that some of his relationships play as if they rolled a die. He seeks words of his wisdom from his friends he trusts, he seeks the answers to the questions that spring up. He fights the world, he fights the drive……. to let go and live like the eagles fly. But he doesn’t realize he is an emotional fool, love and care are the words that describe this romantic fool.

But like every other story of life, there are troubles and our Captain seems to find his way back all the time. He believes in the god of cupid more than once, only to realize that St Cupid comes in a year only once. His challenges trigger emotions that hide inside, his challenges trigger feelings that he subsides. His challenges arise from within, his challenges arise from the partners he gives in, his challenges arise from the people he looks upto, his challenges arise when ‘THEY’ fail to arrive.

I am scared this man will fall, I am scared this man will break the emotional wall. I am scared he’ll begin to believe, that dreams and emotions are only words of the wheel. The wheel that turns his life, The wheel that soaks the emotions dry.

As I write these words, I only pray to give the man the strength and the courage to turn his life. As tears roll down my eyes, I wonder, WHY BOYS CRY!

Exploring the unknown world of Dating …Still!!!

An adorable, adorable, gorgeous girl has sparked this one..and I am just tempted to put all those thoughts out there. I just read her blog and one of her recent blogs; spoke about Dating! Dating in a city of dreams, Mumbai. Her blog was more about the whole concept than the city scenario and I was captivated, so here I am, spilling my beans...

She mentioned this and I am just reiterating it, Dating has a different meaning for different people. In a city like ours, where colleagues become friends and friends sometimes become partners, it can get pretty complicated. In a fairly active social life, you end up meeting a lot of people, almost everyone that you meet (Single people ofcourse) either look at you like a loser ( Guy/girl) or as someone with some potential. Really that’s about it, these are really the only two extreme set of classifications people have, in the beginning of course!!!

Once you get to know the person it’s a different scenario all together. The challenge for me has always been about the start, When do I start dating? Am I ready for it? What am I really looking for? Am I too old for dating? Isn’t it about time I start seeing someone cause I do wanna get married soon…but how can I see that person If I haven’t dated her yet? Even before I meet someone, I have already gone thru these zillion questions in my head, with answers that only lead to some more questions and some more….

So at some point I stop trying and finding answers, I just ‘Go with the flow’. Meet someone, go out for coffee/ movie/ dinner…wondering if I should hold her hand and make her feel like my date and not just another friend, should I peck her on the cheek and promise to call her…or should I just “Go with the flow”….God wondering what is really right to do…..

I have to say this, Facebook has simply changed the way Dating used to be. One evening out with the person and the next day both the individuals are logging on to FB checking their pictures, likes, dislikes, comments etc….It’s like someone gave them a chance to peep into the other persons entire life.…..Initially I have to admit, I loved the idea… but over a period of time I realized it made things too easy, it made things too comfortable, It made the chase too easy ….even before you realized…..you were a couple!!!!! What I realize only now is that it also made her and mine exit easy too…even before moments of silence, moments of awkwardness, fights….we were Single again!!!

I am obviously not blaming FB for anything, just supporting my situation with some make belief facts…While I struggle to convince myself with similar facts, I made some rules for myself for the unknown journey….I made some rules that’ll define me…
I made some rules that’ll let me be me…..
  1. Be yourself…. no matter how ugly she looks or how pretty she is…be yourself !!!
  2. Don’t hold back anything, if you want to say it….Say It…….let her do the same ( only if she wants too of course)

No rules beyond these two seem logical to me at any point, honestly it hasn’t got me too much luck but hey what the hell atleast I don’t have a guilt to live with. So here I am writing all this, hoping to be back in the world of Dating once again….actually I am not really sure about….but what the Heck….’Let’s just Go with the flow’.

PS: Dnt worry guys I haven’t forgotten, the Lovely lady who inspired these thoughts is Divya Chadha and you can read her stuff on:
http://dazedreflection.blogspot.com/2010/08/dating-whats-that.html

Happy Reading….and incase you are heading where I am …Wish you luck…I know I need it!!!

You say one Love, One life …when all you really need, is just one night!!!....

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Conversations & Me!

Series 3

Hey everyone, its time for Conversations & Me again, yes… the same Conversations & Me that does not necessarily revolve around a topic or does not really have a story tell…. It’s just another voice, another day, another thought, waiting to be shared….

I just realized that though I generally claim that this space is for my thoughts and my voice which does not necessarily need to be heard by someone else, the fact that I started it off by addressing everyone….makes me realize….its a voice waiting to be heard…waiting for people to react, waiting for people to smile, frown, ignore… waiting for the next one… to just take over…..

Alright back to the thought, since the last two days I have had a very silly thought in my head… life once again seems to disappoint me…..I have begun to realize that it constantly loves the idea of playing games with me….it shows me rays of hope for a few days.. and then there is a black out….for a few days I am smiling 24x7… and after that I am just quiet, hiding in my bedroom, forcing myself to watch brainless tv for hours so that my mind cant react or even think any more……

I am one of those people who is yet to realize the true meaning of achievement, success, goals or rather fulfillment of these goals. May be cause every single time I achieve something in life, well atleast I think I do… there is still something empty about it…for that moment which could last for months together its excitement, sense of pride, sense of being complete… but a few moments later…its just another reason to smile….

I don’t know if that’s good or bad, do all things in life that make you smile good for you? I cant remember the last time I cried and I was happy about it….I cant remember the last time when something bad happened to me and I still smiled… ya ya I know… everything happens for the good and sooner or later u realize it…..I have heard that one before and have been living the philosophy for years now… but come on…. One single moment where you have everything that you need… really is that a lot to ask for?

I promise I’ll hold on to that moment for life, remember it for life and hold that treasure till I burn into ashes…but may be its too much to ask for…..

May be I’ll write a few more pages and wonder what the hell was this all about, may be I’ll just close this window in the next few minutes and knock myself to sleep, may be I’ll just pack my bags tomorrow morning and come back after a few years….may be I wont. But I know I am too coward too something like that, the way my parents and friends would put it, is that I am too caring for everyone around me to do something as stupid as this…. The fact of the matter is…..your guess is as good as mine!

I guess being able to take that decision is LIFE……I guess the search for that moment is LIFE….i guess the fact that I am writing this in my own space is LIFE, I guess being able to breath is LIFE, I guess being able to find a reason to smile is LIFE…. I guess the ability to understand and accept every moment is LIFE…..my life, my space, my conversations…my dreams, my hopes, my desires….

But is that good enough in LIFE? Let me know your answer while I look for mine…….

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

The Beginning of a Love Affair……

It’s past midnight and I am as awake as an owl, there is something that’s bothering me today. I am not really sure what it is but I think I know what it is. I think I need to make a confession, ya I think I need to…..

Songs may run away from bombs and bullets, but they have a piercing quality that mocks at limitations of time and space. I guess this is just one of those moments! As Sufi music plays in my background, I write to confess, I write to share…..

I write to discover the beginning of another love affair……


It’s surprising how I hated her the first time I met her, it was a blind date, really. She was hot as hell but she made me very uncomfortable. I just wanted to get away from her, run away from her, I wanted to run back to my world… but I stayed on, and I am glad I did.

I stayed on that evening, she spoke for most of the evening and I quietly listened. As the date moved on she made me feel a little comfortable and a little more. By the end of it, I was smiling. I went home, tucked myself in bed & smiled.

The next few days were rather interesting. There were days when I hated everything about her, her language, her posture, her looks even her non existent energy. But then there were days where I would love her simplicity, her calmness, her sense of being.

“Mohe sood bood na rahi tan man ki, ye to jaane duniya sari
Bebas aur lachar phirun mein, hari mein dil hari” ….Kailash Kher

(Translation)

"I don’t have a sense of being any more, the entire worlds knows it
I roam around helpless and useless, I am in love, I am in love”

There I was, head over heels about her, even before I realized it. In a world where options run out before you can say Hello, it was extraordinarily mind boggling to discover that nature had allowed this sort of perfect symmetry, the epitome of a serendipitous beauty to exist. When I look back I cannot put my finger on the moment when I fell in love with her but I know how it felt. It happened as I spent more time with her, as I matured and became more aware of my feelings.

I would feel a sense of contentment just spending time with her. There were days when I did not do anything in particular and did not want to either.

She looks beautiful against the backdrop of the setting sun. At the end of a long weary day when amber & saffron hues touch her skin, her face glows up in that radiance…hiding in that light some of those lines which are a reminder of the dark times she has seen. Each unfortunate incident etched upon her tender skin has left an indelible impression – each line has a story to tell. Together they all lent a jaded character to her appearance. But I see past those lines and see the beauty in her eyes.

I have to agree, I am captivated by all that is new and exciting. Everyday, after a few minutes spent reminiscing about her, I get back to the humdrum of the day. It’s only when I catch sight of her every morning, I feel an upsurge of all the emotions I fell for her.

I know it’s just a beginning but it feels like an old bond that just was reunited. I don’t know what the future holds for me in this relationship, but it feels right. It makes me smile, it makes me laugh, it makes me feel special every single day.

Just for the record, she is not all that sweet and sugar coated as you think. She acts quiet bitchy at times but she is still the sweetheart. I am glad I met her, I am glad my work got me to this CITY!! :)

Me and her (Delhi) have a long way to go….
This is just the beginning of my love affair with a familiar city still unknown……..





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Saturday, October 13, 2007

Conversations and Me

I am sure by now you have figured out that this is the first in my series of

‘Conversation and Me’.

‘Conversations & Me’ is free from any event or occasion in my life. It’s even free from any title cause it discusses moments, thoughts that spring up in irregular intervals.

‘Conversations & ME’ dsnt really search for answers cause it realizes that there may be no questions in the first place……

It just provides me a platform to say what I want to say…Once again…

Hope you like it………

Series 1

It’s Saturday night, I am relaxing at home, almost mid night now actually…..Spent most of my day relaxing and practically doing nothing at home today. I guess wasn’t really in a mood to socialize today.

It comes as a surprise dsnt it? A party animal, who loves meeting friends, meeting new people, socializing all the time…..ya I know that’s me, well at least I think that’s me.

A very close friend of mine warned me the other day to stop going for movies all alone, YA I do go for movies all by myself! Its not that I don’t have friends to go out with or who don’t ask me out, I just like the idea of going all alone!!

It’s great to do that, really. You don’t have to answer anybody, you can dress up the way you want, you can make a plan which will work out only if u want it too and it won’t if u don’t want it too. Isn’t that a great feeling to be completely responsible for your own behavior?? And also enjoy the fruits of your own efforts without compromising on anything???? I think it is, I quiet enjoying being alone, lonely, spending time by myself, observing, analyzing, being ME.

But wait; is this the beginning of what I think it is? Or is it just my dumb usual imagination? Am I loosing my brains trying to argue with my own self and come up with answers to my own question? Am I smoking up or simply reaching Nirvana? I think I am turning into a healer of some sort…. Only in my case I can only heal myself…

May be I have been PRing for too long now, yaaaa PRing that’s what I do remember? I am a Public Relations professional who strategies and plans and helps build a clients perception and image in a positive light, Right? Ya that’s what I do, I also socialize with journalists, CEO’s, corporate, marketing managers, photographers, cameramen and a lot more people every day. I answer double the number of phone calls in a day that a call center person even attempts on making! If there is anything called Ear Cancer, I know I’ll be the first one to hit by it……seriously!!!

On a serious note, after a little more than 2 years in the profession I am not too sure if this is what I want to do all my life, really, I really don’t know. I believe I am good at what I am doing; at least that’s what my colleagues think and luckily my boss too. But I am not too sure if this is what I want to do, the more I get involved in the business of PR I see Anupam loosing his identity somewhere. Each day is more fruitful when it comes to my work; I am learning new things and learning to strategize better. I know learning brings a lot of changes, most of the time positive ones, but it dsnt change your identity right?

Does it?

I know I am a fighter, I cant remember when was the last time I gave up a good fight, its like in the day I am practically hungry for more work, and work with perfection. Mistakes are meant to be made but I don’t believe in the idea of repeating them twice. In my world growth is constant, but not at the speed of a tortoise but not at the speed of a hare either. I love a hectic day which drains me out physically but leaves me with a sense of being complete. Sounds like making of a great professional right?

May be, may be not….

What if I tell you that I want to quit this great job, quit this industry and just pack my bags and leave from home. Leave to a place undecided, uncertain, with a future as dark as it could possibly get, only with a hope of silver lining. A hope that I hope to create as I backpack across the country on my parents money, ya I am being honest, I don’t think I can afford more than a month of backpacking on my own money. Unless I plan to find a job as I walk along…..but one sec I already have a job so… why would I do that then?

May be I will, may be I won’t…..

I can’t get over the fact that I would get up each day without a plan or a thought in my mind. I can’t get over the fact that my day would begin at a certain place but most certainly wouldn’t end there, defntly not in the same condition. I can’t get over the fact that my eyes could possible wake up to the plush green mountains with sun rays that would sink into my skin like they were talking over. The swish breeze would bring along a sense of freedom that I perhaps would welcome with my arms spread wide. The ground would perhaps hold me tight as I stand at the edge of a mountain, looking towards the endless valley that encompasses a world of secrets, naked to the human eye.

Perhaps I’ll pluck some fresh berries for breakfast, perhaps go fishing for lunch. Perhaps I’ll stop by to help the villager push his cart back on the road; perhaps I’ll ride with him to the next village unknown.

I know it might not be a perfect morning every day, but it’ll be a different morning at least? I know I might not eat the best breakfast one day, but at least eat something in a day? I know I’ll leave a lot of things behind, but I’ll also leave space for new things to sink in…..

I know I am dreaming…..but I always have….

I don’t know if I’ll ever have the courage to take this step, I don’t know if I’ll ever breath freedom the way I perceive it as? I don’t know if I’ll quit PR or simply change the meaning of PR in this country…..but I defntly know something,:-

  • I know whatever I do I’ll give it my 100%, cause I am uneducated to understand anything less……

  • I know I’ll eventually live my life on my own terms and leave the rest of things to be just incidental…

  • I know I’ll never stop dreaming, cause I dream more than I actually breath……

  • I know I’ll smile as I lay on my death bed, dreaming about dreaming once again!!

****

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Addicted to Bad Relationships

I met this really awesome girl a while back, she was almost perfect. She was good looking, charming, intelligent, smart, confident and a lot of other things that I would like my girl to be. She was interested in me too and so was I, but things dnt seem to be going our way, the more I got closer to her the more I saw myself drifting apart. In moments of silence with myself I wundt rember her, she wudnt be my top priority….

I thought I was in love because I lost my mind. Isn’t it that’s how they defined love: when you feel going out of yourself to reach out for the other?

But I was also scared I was gonna hurt her, I was scared I was gonna loose her, I was scared things were gonna turn nasty with her….. I dumped her!!!

The inevitable split between us, is actually a pause. These pauses are the periods when I pretend that I’ve found the strength to move on, or the (in)significant other has expressed a need for space. The more I try to be adamant in my decision to end it up, the more I find myself yearning for this (in)significant other.

Just like all addictions, relapsed catalyst are like lap dancers: they taunt you with her seductive movements, moving your desires like a whirpool until finally her presence will occupy your mind till you will stand up to reach out for her.

We dnt speak to each other for a while, then we started talking again, we spoke again, and we spoke again. After a month of conversations I met up with her and some of her friends for a drink, I made a point not to drink too much just to be safe. By the next day morning I was seeing her again.

That night was a night of conversations, we spoke about my fears and my thoughts, I spilled my heart out and things looked better. A week into the relationship again and I loved the way it was going, she gave me my space, we spoke often, I wasn’t obliged to meet up with her often, I finally felt that she understood me.

Untill she sent me an email, yes an email. Her email explained about the way she thught of things, she felt I was not giving the relationship enough and she dnt even want to be friends with me cause she said she already had enough of them, this time SHE dumped me!!

Another bad relationship, only this time it really left me in a thinking stage. Was I expecting too much out of it? Was it wrong to expect my space? Was it wrong to not meet up with my gf for a week cause I had other things to do also……may be I was wrong? May be it was all my fault? May be I suck at relationships?

I will not deny that I’ve been into bad relationships before. The roller coaster ride of breaking up and making up was so enticing and thrilling in the beginning. Then, it turned to be like a bad habit and I find myself hooked with seemingly no visible exits!

Why can’t we quit a person when it’s only giving us stress or shall we say, a bad relationship? I see it as an addiction. It is common for a person in a love relationship to become addicted to the other. I’ll bet one of you will argue that it is simply love or sense of commitment, right?

I think love and commitment gives you a freedom to choose another person. On the contrary, when you have a compulsive drive to go back to this person, then it is limiting your freedom, so it is addiction! The same holds true for smoking, drinking, gambling, etc.

Whether our addiction is to a substance or a person, this sense of incompleteness, emptiness, despair, sadness, and being lost will find its relief when we are in touch with this something or someone outside ourself.

A loving relationship is one in which the loved one is free to be himself - to laugh with me, but never at me; to cry with me, but never because of me; to love life, to love himself, to love being loved. Such a relationship is based upon freedom and can never grow in a jealous heart.

Freedom is what I need thus I completely turned my back away from every bad relationship I find myself in . I have found a person who will be by my side and never leave me, always giving me the strength, love and support I need… and that person is MYSELF.

I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

I’ve learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life.

I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Sometimes it dsnt!

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both
hands; you need to be able to throw some things back. I just did!

I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.

I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn…….

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Thursday, June 28, 2007

My argument with Deepak Chopra…

For the past decade Deepak Chopra, M.D. has been at the forefront of a major trend in holistic healing. Since the early 1980's Chopra has successfully combined his impeccable credentials as a practicing endocrinologist with his exploration of mind/body medicine. By doing so, he has dramatically influenced many in traditional medical circles and helped bring the enormous benefits of holistic medicine to the general public's attention.

For some strange reason, I tend to almost disagree with everything that this man says, I guess my experiences in life haven’t really been the same as his, I guess. So in my argument I simply try to put down points that I have experienced and what life has taught me. I am not too sure if I am right or wrong, honestly I dnt care, I just enjoyed the argument and the rest I leave u to decide…

Deepak Chopra said this: Don’t rush into any kind of relationship. Work on yourself. Feel yourself, experience yourself and love yourself. Do this first and you will soon attract that special loving other.

I say this: I have been loving myself for the last 23 years, love to the extent that when I dnt have anyone around me I believe that I am strong and independent and I am a survivor, and I can survive alone. Work on yourself, for what I say? When I was 120 kg’s I was single, when I was 74 I was single, when I was 80 I was single, I am 87 now I am still single??

Feel yourself he says… ewww… I am not even getting into that discussion…

Deepak Chopra said this: When you struggle with your partner, you are struggling with yourself. Every fault you see in them touches a denied weakness in yourself.

I say this: I cnt deny the fact the every relationship is two ways, when something goes wrong in it, both people I feel are equal to blame. But his is bizarre on what this man believes…
My first GF dnt accept my proposal cause she thought I was too innocent,

A girl that I really liked was cheating on me when we were just trying to work out things between us…

I dumped a girl cause the relationship was suffocating me…

She dumped me after a while cause she said I was giving her too much space…

Confused? So was I when I read this philosophical thing from Mr. Chopra…

Deepak Chopra said this: -Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment, are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution.”

I say this:: I know everything happens for a reason and everything happens for your own good. He basically just gives a version of what everybody knows and people believe him..
But honestly Mr.Chopra, relationships do not make u strong all the time; sometimes they leave an empty hole, which probably no can ever fill. At times these empty spots are left for so long that u just forget about them after a point and then later claim to say that I am much stronger now because of my past.

Mr. Chopra, relationships do not leave an impact or an impression on anybody, it’s the journey that you live in the relationship creates a mark in ur life. One always rembers and treasures the journey, the beginning, the timing, the end ( Death or separation) are all a part of it….

Honestly, I dnt regret anything from my past, but I could have lived without some situations and some moments…

Deepak Chopra said this: Our thinking and our behavior are always in anticipation of a response. It is therefore fear-based.”

May be Mr. Chopra is right, May be he is not. But for once I dnt have anything to say….

I guess the reason why I am writing this is probably I am scared, I am probably scared I’ll turn a pessimist, I am scared I’ll loose anupam once again.. I did a while back…

Some of my close friends tell me that I bring a lot of energy with me, they say I bring a lot of positive energy, I dnt know if I really do but there is one thing I know for sure, I dnt want to change my identity.

I know change is the most constant thing in my life, but I dnt want to change my identity, I dnt want to change who I really am….

Is that the reason why I am arguing with Mr. Chopra….i dnt know….

Am I changing …… I dnt know…

Am I scared of being myself ……I dnt think so….

But who am I…..i dnt know….

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My journey with an old Beginning and a new End….

Its time again, time for me to say what I really want to say, time for me to pen down my feelings, time for me to say here I am….

Its been more than a couple of weeks that I have come back from a Car rally from the bed of the Himalayas. Once again my work helped me to explore a side of the country which I had never seen before what is interesting is I found a new side to Anupam, that I wasn’t aware about…..

The 3 day rally took me to a new high and low of emotions that I have never felt before, the rally created moments that were far above the daily chores of life, the rally gave me answers to the questions that I never asked, the rally explored Anupam like the way no one had ever explored before.

Let me take you to a journey across the land, let me take u to MY journey, on a palm of sand……..

I flew to Chandigarh a day before the rally to do my work bit. Did the briefing that I was supposed too, checked the agenda, wrapped up work early, met some relatives and called it an early night to ensure I was fully charged up and ready for the D –Day tomorrow.

Day 1

The day arrived, all packed in, I reached the venue early only to be on the safer side. After the regular briefing for the rally, I dumped my bags in a Toyota Innova which would be my vehicle of transport for the next 4 days. I was hoping I would get to drive from the very beginning but my hopes shattered when I saw another guy from the events team grabbing the wheel before even I could think off, so I satisfied myself with the navigator seat right in the front. I was traveling with my clients, two very lovely ladies and two people from the events team. We drove down from Chandigarh to Karnal where we were scheduled to meet all teams arriving from Delhi also. There were about 23 teams participating including us. Karnal was the place where the actual rally began, well almost for everybody. Before even we could reach Karnal, our very own Mr. Schumacher from the events team drove the car right above the feet of a Surdy ( Sardar) Cop from Punjab on a jam packed road. (Talk about making the most desirable start) Like all other true Indians, we started our conversation with an apology & an offer to bribe. And like it always works, we were out of it in no time. It was a costly affair, but we laughed it off by saying that at least we drove the car over a cop, and tried to assure our already empty pockets……

After a couple of hours we reached Karnal, only to find ourselves in middle of loads of confusion, lost drivers, navigators, and of course us. We enrolled ourselves as part of a team, only for namesake of course and crowned our team as Team no 22. ( Dnt u know clients & PR team member cannot win competitions that they organize themselves…Duhhh)

With a little bit of shuffle in our team, we were finally 4 people driving towards Bairatkhai -20 km from Chakrata situated in Uttrakhand. Since we were a part of the lifestyle rally unlike the conventional only off roading rally, we had a set of rules to follow in terms of speed limits and specific route maps which gave only directions after some kms and nothing more than that. I took the Navigators seat and was almost lost in the route maps for the first five minutes. As i adjusted to the maps, i shuffled my concentration between the maps and conversations with my team members.

We found ourselves driving towards one of the most beautiful destinations in the country, enveloped by a deluge of greenery at an altitude of 2300 m above sea level. A destination with trees of all sizes and shapes, virgin forests of conifers, oaks and rhododendrons that can be seen with unfailing regularity.

As fours strangers (2 clients, 1-Event head & Me) drove towards this unexplored land, we found ourselves getting more and more relaxed in our own skin. I kept clicking pictures throughout the entire drive since this was my new found passion, which almost drove me to craziness in this entire trip. After 5 hours of driving, a couple of stops for cutting chai over lots of conversation, we finally arrived at the camp which left me breathless and I knew it had arrived…..

That was it, I just knew it, I was standing right on top of a carved piece of flat land on a mountain- with cold wind blowing in my hair and the view of an endless valley standing right ahead with its arms spread wide. I just stood there staring at the valley, looking at all those faces that created the rally teams. For once each one of them spoke similar words, their faces said exactly the same thing, their expressions were the same- we had found ourselves heaven right on the face of this earth. Everybody rushed into their tents only to get ready and come back soon for the evening camp fire.

As everybody rushed into their tents I found myself still standing at the same spot just feeling the moment, the air which made me feel pure, and a sight that I had never seen before. I tried capturing those moments on my camera, but the picture just won’t be right. I could feel a new level of emotion but my pictures just won’t speak the same language. I tried, I tried & I tried but it just wasn’t right. My frustration was building up, just when a cold swish of wind blew right across me only to say, ‘It was alright’. I moved towards my tent, lied down on my bed and just smiled. I had no thoughts in my head, but I still smiled.

After a while I freshened up and moved back towards to the camp site, to find myself in middle of lots of conversation, hot yummy snacks and loads of alcohol. As the cold wind blew through the entire evening, we all sat and discussed our drive, the beauty of the place, life, music, fashion (yes that too) and more. I met a lot of people, people that I had spoken to for months but never met, people that I had met last year on the rally, people that made no difference in my life at that point and people that have always been there. As the evening came close to an end I found myself once again sitting right on the edge of the hill, but this time with close friends ; re-living every single moment of our lives. Honestly, I was thinking about a lot of people from my past, my relationships, my journey till today, my dreams, my feelings, my friends that made a difference to my life. I guess it was a night of conversations, where I spelt my heart out to my close friends, and it felt great. That place almost evoked thoughts, emotions that I had never felt before, it made me say things that I wasn’t supposed to say, but I did. After hours and hours of conversation, I decided to finally tuck myself into bed. I had never slept so peacefully in my life, i dnt dream, i dnt think any more. I slept like a baby that night, with no bonds, no emotions, no feelings, no thoughts; the only thing that kept me company that night was a just a simple smile J
Day 2

I woke up early the next day, as i zipped up my tent and threw it open wide, only to step out and once again smile. Sounds of the valley surged into my ears, and I found myself at the edge with my arms open wide. ‘Click’ ‘Click’ I went, capturing every single moment of it, I ran on the top of the mountain to get the best view, I stood on the rocks to get the best view, I almost fell of a tree while trying to get the best view, I was trying to capture everything that my imagination could run through.

With a happy set of pictures i rushed back into my tent to get ready for another day of action and adventure. A quick shower with ice cold water and yummy breakfast gave me a perfect start. We all packed our bags, dumped them in the car, after some more pictures we drove towards a bridge which was situated right above the Yamuna river. We were instructed earlier about the bridge slithering activity and we all wear geared accordingly. By now I had become good friends with my team members, we all were very comfortable with each other and our spirits to win the rally were high. Oh I forgot to mention, we (Team 22) had stood 16th in the first leg of the rally which was a pretty decent performance keeping us in mind..lol

As we were trying to cheer each other for the rally to my surprise i found a sheet in the route book missing. Now that could mean disaster, we basically were now driving from page 6 of the route book while we should have been looking for page 5. We almost came to a screeching halt to figure what was going wrong. Luckily the pages were only jumbled up and we found our missing page, we heaved a sigh of relief and were back in track with some lost time. We tried to make up for lost time by speeding up a little bit but the super narrow paths on the hill would not allow us to do it. With some struggle and delay we managed to reach the activity location.

We found ourselves about 60 feet above the flowing yamuna river on a bridge with lots of people geared with life jackets and helmets. We were basically asked to slither down from the bridge through a rope into the yamuna river. Now this sounds all sweet and simple but getting off the bridge and letting go off it is one hell of a task. I have to say this, there are advantages and disadvantages of being a part of the organization team. While the advantages might be almost negligible the one of the biggest disadvantages is that you have to go last for every activity. So we waited, clicked more pictures, did some brainless chatting, and watched each team member go down the tall bridge. It was quiet an interesting sight, it was interesting to see people break free from their fear of heights and overcome it one step at a time. Once they completed the activity, they had the most satisfied expression on their face and you could see that sense of achievement which meant much more than winning an award or signing a multi million dollar contract. They had achieved their freedom, which no one could have given them.

To be honest, I have jumped off a cliff straight into the water before, so I wasn’t scared but I was worried if I would do it right, if I was technically right. I was worried cause we were being scored for this activity and I had to do it technically right. And i did it. Its an amazing feeling to just lie flat in middle of the bridge and the river and just admire the beauty of both sides. After the activity we rushed for lunch which was followed by a sort of Water bath- Fight for everybody from the organizing team. As we all splashed water at each other for quiet a long time, we realized we were already late and obviously the last people to leave.
We were now driving towards Mori, which was our second camp site. Mori is a sleepy hamlet in the Uttarkashi dist. of Uttaranchal by the River Tons. Well know for its thick pine forests, among its many claims to fame is the tallest pine tree in South Asia.
Now I had read about Mori before we even reached our first camp site and I was particularly excited about this leg, cause i had a strong feeling that this would be the better leg of the rally. There were just two cars left now, mine and the other car where my director, my colleague from Mumbai, brand head & the marketing head were driving. After about 35-40 minutes of driving we stopped to have a cup of tea at this shop which also served a variety of things from cold cream to chips and the world basically. Now I know this may not sound very fancy but u gotta understand i am talking about a place in middle of nowhere… like up in the Himalayas and guess what we found their Fair & Lovely……that was an amusing site , really… so we were busy sipping on lovely ginger tea just when the other car also came…. Since they were short of fuel, they were getting their car all filled up while we all were busy chatting and stuff… Now the VP/ Brand head suddenly feels like drinking.. so he came up to our car and asked for a smirnoff bottle.. We were basically traveling with all the alcohol for the second night of the camp…
Our Innova was a non automatic one, so we removed the car key to the brand head and gave it to him. He opened the trunk of the car, removed the alcohol and left. We all spent a good 20 minutes at the stop over, doing pure tp and buying bottled lemon water… for what?? I dnt know….just for the heck of it i guess… by the time we did all this the other car had already left. So we also decided that its high time we also leave…i paid and then sat in the navigator seat trying to get back to my route map….suddenly i feel something is wrong…………….
To our horror, the car key is missing, in a spur of a second we all look at each other, just blatantly stare for a good 10 seconds, and there we go together, “ HE TOOK OUR CAR KEY’S. HE TOOK OUR CAR KEY’S ALONG WITH HIM”. Now really this isn’t the part of adventure i had in mind. We know the car keys are gone, but just to be sure we literally strip the car, check every single part of it…. Luckily there were a few people sitting inside the car all the time so we could at least open the hood, open doors etc. we searched and searched and searched but obviously no where to be found. Its obvious we are in for some major trouble. None of our cell phones had range; we begged for a phone from a passer by and managed to hook on to it for a good 15 minutes. But in middle of nowhere there is obviously no network, the only one available is BSNL and none of the phones had that service. We must have tried calling the world I think… I have never prayed so much to the real God as I prayed at that moment to the Airtel God. I remembered the Hutch ads, Airtel ads, prayed to all the networks in the world to show me some sign of hope…. But it was obvious.. I was being punished for my late payments…..no network, no connection.
Two guys, 3 ladies, one car without keys and nowhere to go. We hoped the other car would realize that they had our car keys and come back for us, but I guess we knew the brand head too well. We knew he won’t realize it till he reached the camp site, and that’s exactly what happened, they never came back for us. Now it was obvious we just weren’t going to sit there and wait for god to arrive himself. So I asked the other guy to hitch a ride and move towards the next closest town and grab a cab, a car or whatever that we could get to just get our ass out of here. We were in-fact ready to take a hotel room also for that night and figure an alternate way out, so he managed to do just that. Off he went into the turning and twisting hills as we sat and thought of other options.
We tried everything with our car, called a mechanic, tried to hot wire it, but no luck. The car was non automatic but the bloody steering wheel was power steering, so it would anyways get jammed without a key. Right where we were parked, there was another 4x4 jeep parked. Now we knew it belonged to one of the organizers but was left there locked and unattended for some strange reason. I chose to believe we were the reason, like every single Hindi movie we tried doing what a good thief does, open the windows, get into the car, hot wire it and run away.
I was now very confident we would be o.k, I just believed that the car was left there for us, it was destiny and we had found it. All my beliefs came crashing when we cudnt even unlock the doors and get into the damn car, for a good 20 minutes we tried, but no luck. Finally we figured out an alternate way to get into the car. Now the 4x4 like all other classics had a cloth hood to it, but it was obviously sealed with screws ad stuff. But hidden under the large cloth that covered it was also this strap entrance that we discovered. I smiled; we all smiled as we managed to get into the car. I jumped inside; opened the hood almost got it hot wired also. It was ready, we were ready to go, and we had found the answers to our problem and a solution that would work. Suddenly I realized, the steering is locked and it won’t unlock at all. Hopes shattered, dreams crashed, dark clouds laid upon us as we sat, tired- mentally & physically.
But every cloud has a silver lining, and so he arrived, he arrived with a car, he arrived with a cab, he arrived with the mode of transport that would take us to our destiny, he arrived and he really did. Our team member who had left in search of an unknown help, did come back with a solution that just cudnt get better. We shifted all the alcohol from the car into the van, all our belongings, locked our car completely and off we went into the hills once again. He sat in the front while me and the 3 ladies squeezed in behind, hey we cudnt complaint after all that!. Along the bumpy ride and the curves we sang, we sang songs that reminded us of friendship, we sang songs that reminded us of beautiful valley, we sang songs of love, we sang, we sang our heart out, literally.
It was an amazing experience, it started pouring after an hour, the valley looked even more beautiful, we all had forgotten about what just happnd, we instead just chose to soak in the moment. The rain was beautiful, as each drop fell on the mystifying land, arose a fragrance that spelt romance. An emotion evoked from the heart that sang, “HERE I AM, HEAR - I AM”
It was really dark now and we were no where close by, luckily for us we had a driver who knew the land and the various areas around it. But pitch dark roads, and endless land also made things very difficult for him too. Between the songs we would try our phones, we looked at that electronic gadget like we had never seen before, we traced any sign of a message or a ring that probably would have been the sweetest sound we could have ever heard, but absolutely no luck. We kept driving and driving, till we saw some flames arising from the far end of the valley on our left, we knew we had seen some hope, and we hoped it was our camp fire. But it wasn’t, our songs also were beginning to mellow down like our voices, but we still sang, literally. I dnt rember a single moment of that 6 hours of clueless driving that we were quiet. We cudnt, we knew the moment we stopped, we would all start getting worried, so we continued. At times some strange men would try to stop our cars to hitch a ride, at times some animals would intrude our path with their mighty size, as our eyes looked for another sign, our bond grew as we all smiled.
There was a point after which we wernt too sure where we were going, we were not even sure if we were taking the right directions cause it was bloody dark. But with random sights and random lights, we drove towards a camp that would give us another reason to smile. We were by now obviously also imagining things, things like whether somebody would come for our help or not?? Were we even important enough to be even rescued?? What happens if we don’t reach anywhere? What happens when we run out of gas?
As we searched for our answers in our own questions, we heard voices that sang some song, subtle but clear strums of a guitar. He heard rhythms that hummed at a sight, ‘Hotel California’ We had arrived!! We did, about a km before the actually camp we met the organizers who were part of the northern rally team. Man I smiled, and I smiled and I smiled. All of us did, our search had ended, we finally did it, we reached, we really did, we traced an unknown path towards an unknown destination, we reached our site, late but just in time.
As they guided us towards the camp, we drove even faster this time, cause now we knew where we were going. I still cant forget that moment, we all looked at each other in the car and smiled once again, we dint sing any songs of victory but we still spelt success for each other. As we came close to the camp I could see a couple of people rushing towards us, it was an exciting moment. As we all got off, tired & exhausted, we saw faces and more faces that had smiles even bigger than ours. Some dear ones greeted us with the warmest hugs in the world, some came to check on us, some just came clueless of what was happening, but a lot of them came. That made me really happy, as I walked towards the camp I saw the brand head and he saw me too (The same guy who took the keys remember). If only and if only a camera could capture that expression on his face I would explain, that expression on his face was priceless. I think he was shocked, surprised, happy, overjoyed, emotional and a lot more feelings all at the same time just see us return all safe and sound..
I went to my tent, freshened up and came back to the camp fire to share all the stories of a true adventurous ride. Some even enquired about the alcohol, and guess what we actually stopped on our way (While we were lost that is) to buy some alcohol for the camp, I know it sounds crazy but we did, cause we were supposed to do it anyways before the whole incident happened. So we did that, trust me that made a lot of people happy, including me for sure. That night I danced, I drank and I danced, infact all of us did. It was time to celebrate, and we did just that. I danced with everybody possible. Music that blasted out of the car audio systems and 90 ml pegs laid the foundation for an unforgettable night under the enclosure of the pine forests. The night once again evoked a lot of emotions over a lot of conversations after that......
I walked back towards my camp and sat right outside it. It was pitch dark and I could only see a few lanterns lit here and there. Thick pine trees enclosed around me, I sat once again in retrospection. As I looked upon the dark sky, I smiled once again for a reason that’s difficult to define. For a while I just lived that moment with the cold breeze gushing past by, for a while I remembered my past and the people that came by. I knew I had left a lot of things behind, but my present was the reason that my past defined. I slept once again very peacefully that night, cuddled in my quilt with no dreams- no nightmares, just another simple smile. J
Day 3

An early morning cup of tea right sitting on the trunk of a tree laid specially for you right next to the calm but strong river of Tons, Jealous??…..u ought to be… that’s exactly how I started my third day. That morning had its own charm, unlike the other places this time the only sound I could hear was of the river. She streamed down my feet like the touch of an angel, pulling me towards a deep world that’ll hold me in its arms forever. I sat there with that same thought for a while, looked around, took a deep breath and felt the arms of nature holding me tight. (Like a really warm hug that envelopes you from the cold wind) J

All good - mornings in the north begin with an early trek, and so did this one. After a quick short breakfast we drove about a km from the camp where we parked our cars and marching we went into an uphill forest. We walked along the rocks, we walked by the stream, we slipped at one to many occasions but we still walked as a team. After about 45 minutes we reached close to a water body, sort of a big giant pond u can say, only a lot deeper that is. Now we were required to cross this to reach to a spot, so the swimmers swam across like ducklings and non swimmers like me jumped into the life jacket and swam across with the help of a rope tied at both ends. ( Thank God)

Now this part of the trek was quiet unusual and slippery if i am say so. There was absolutely no land, or lets say bare minimum, only rocks & water, big rocks, small rocks, very big rocks, and even bigger rocks. As we trekked and slipped our way to another pond which was almost as big as the earlier one only a lot deeper, a lot deeper that is. There was a life jacket too this time, but no rope, just when I am trying to figure out what the hell am i supposed to do here i see a man falling from above straight into the water. OO boy, yup its time once again for some more adventure…..

We were supposed to climb up through the rocks with absolutely no support to this cliff point only to jump back into the water. Now after watching some people commit this madness in action it was my turn. Honestly I wasn’t scared, so I quickly climbed up from the rocks to the cliff point, it was just about 20 feet above but the view wasn’t all that great from above.( Hello.. in my world for a non swimmer , 20 feet deep water into which he is going to dive in ( which he dsnt know how) from 20 feet above, a’int a pretty site). I quickly said my prayers, shouted out loud some random crap a few times just to let my fear out and I dived in like a flat piece of land with arms and legs wide. PACHAKKKKKK I fell (Not land/ not dive) into the water….ouch yells my body from every possible corner. But words of appraisal, warm hugs and some emotional claps cheer me up instantly. We stood there and watched all our team members’ dive in, swim back in various interesting styles, some trying to save their lenses, some trying to save their lipsticks and some just swimmed Page 3 style!! (These were women of course) We trekked back the same way we came in, another 2 hours of walking, chatting and bonding over lots of conversations. We reach the camp, freshened up and its lunch time. J As we discovered the interesting lunch we also discovered a lot of unknown bruises all over our body. Now an awesome lunch and a tiring trek has to be supported by a quick 10 minute nap under the open skies right, so that’s exactly what I did. Only my nap was a good 20 minutes till some strange thing fell on my head and I realized its activity time again.

But it was now time for my fav activity, White water rafting!!! Yeppieee… As I went through the briefing from the expert, I realized that it’s definitely going to be a different experience unlike last time. We were informed that this river is a technical river and will involve a lot of physical activity, we were also warned that there were high chances of us toppling off the raft ( Now that’s a good thing right… why would I need a warning for this…..lol) We all sat in the back of a truck traveling upwards to the point where our rafting would begin. After that 30 minutes of bumpy, shaky and head hurting right we reached the sport, but by now I was very uncomfortable, I was badly shaken by that ride and wanted to back out. Now obviously that can’t happen, my male ego rose like a lion, so did my fear of being left out, and the fact that I would miss all of it, and I will have nothing to do for the next 2 hours….

Hey come on I am human, not superman, I cnt fight all these emotions and feelings…. What are u expecting… magic??? Like Hello???

Obviously I gave in, I shoved my fear inside, told my headache to shut up and just get out of my head or bare the consequences of being tortured with a million other thoughts for the next two hours. Lucky me, I managed, just managed! As usual, keen to take the front of the raft I jumped on and grabbed the best position (As so I believed it to be) 20 minutes in the raft and I realize I called for 2 more hours of personal physical torture as I rafted and my colleagues sat at the back and enjoyed the weather, the cold water, the beautiful trees, the birds chirping and a lot more which u can ask them. Of course the timely act of rowing along with me was there every time I turned around, courtesy their acting schools. But I ended up having a great time, the river was quiet technical, jumping around, rowing, shifting, turning sides, nearly escaping rocks, getting stuck on a rock right in middle of the damn powerful tons river and a lot more fun.

We reached our camp and most of us ran towards our individual camps just to get a quick shower or catch a nice nap. I chose to have a shower and click some pictures. My abs were hurting (because of the chunky fat that i have of course) but I was still quiet fresh and wasn’t sleepy. So a quick shower followed by some photography sessions with the nature continued for the next hour or so. As I tried capturing nature and the scenic beauty at its best, I stumbled upon a lot of sights that my camera would refuse to capture. It was almost like every single time I clicked, my camera would yell back at me for trying to enclose something so beautiful and perfect in pixels and digits. But the greedy man in me refused to settle for anything less, so I went ‘click click’ till I knew I had managed some thing that I called, “JUST PERFECT”

After a while I sat on a huge tall rock just doing what I do best, nothing. But this time I was just trying to put all my experiences together from the last couple of days. As I sat and re lived those moments once again, I laughed all alone on that rock yet with everyone around, I smiled all alone but with people smiling back at me……. Some of my friends actually joined me on that rock after a while and we sat and discussed some stuff which now I have no clue about (I guess now that’s what I call spacing out)

It was the last night at the camp, the born fire lit once last time, we celebrated our journey that night and mourned its end too. Me and my colleagues left in middle of that night to catch a train back due to some reasons. So we practically had just about a couple of hours before we would all disappear in our own world again. Over lots of hugs and wishes we fare welled them good bye, we wished them a safe trip back as we disappeared in the deep dark night….

I left a lot of things behind in this journey, in that forest that could almost accept anything with its arms spread wide. I also lost out on a lot of things, I lost out some of my dreams which were purely based on worldly desires, I lost on some of my feelings, I left behind things which were never mine………

But I came back with more, I came back with new dreams that were mine, I came back with new beginnings that I had to define, I came back with new stars that were mine, I came back with a lot more than I could define…………

As I write these last words down, I am smiling again. I just hope all my new beginnings would ‘Start’ and ‘End’ with a smile, and a simple smile once again……

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Saturday, October 28, 2006

Sinfull Peacefull...3( Contd)

But this time i am shiiting in my pants alright.....but i am very very very excited. I am excited cause i am expected to jump into a river and i dnt even know how to SWIM........ They take us to this 40 feet high cliff....., put a life jacket on us, a helmet, and just ask u to jump. No ropes attached, no saftey rules, stand in an upright position, hands close to the body, legs tightly clinged together.... in attention position and jump.....i stood for sometime there actually quiet a lot of time and started watching people jumping and backing out. Some did out of sheer embarrassment; some wanted to conquer their fears..... some backed out.....and somebody like me just watched. When it was time for me to jump......i removed my floaters, wore my life jacket, my helmet.. started walking towards the cliff point, stood there for 1 second, looked straight, held my position, suddenly i hear the sound jump from the back of my ear and. i jumped.....my eyes are tightly closed and i can feel the water coming closer and closer... i was suddenly dropped from 40 feet into this river like some HE Man picked me from my tshirt and threw me straight down…... and for gods sake i cnt swim to save my life.....suddenly with a big splash i find myself going down and down and down and straight popping up from the river...like how the soda pops right of the bottle….....oooo my godddddd..... what a feeling..... what an awesome adrenaline rush....i had no words... this life saving raft picked me up immediately as i fell down and i was safe... but i still was enjoying that rush....it was fantastic..... i dnt even wait for a sec for them to tell me and i just jumped ......really.... u have to try something like this at least once.... its worth it…….its worth every single minute.....or rather every single sec.....

The 10 year old Anupam happily walks back to the camp, with his floaters in one hand and dancing and smiling..... Feeling this sense of partial fulfillment of achieving every thing he ever wanted to achieve in his life.......dancing and smiling I walk to my tent….with some strange music in my head……we are now informed that the second and difficult leg of the water run( river Rafting) will begin.... i have a feeling this will be a good one...

After some 10 minute ka break we get into the gear and hopped on to the raft and there we all ready to goooo... i find that we have a new guide now.....he sounds better atleast.,... he was good actually... he briefed us well again on how we shuld raft., what we shuld do in the heavy currents.....and stuff....we started paddling and he gave us trial lessons also....before we hit the big waves....we strted moving towrds the bigger ones../.i am confidently sitting right in the front on the edge with my feet locked on raft.....paddling away to glory.... remind u..i am the one who dsnt know how to swim.... but fear apparently dnt feature in my dictionary then.....so there i was paddling aways to glory.... the cuurents cam in quiet strong and it was a n awesome feel to have cold, fast water being just splashed on ur face ....it was fantastic...........then.. when the water was a little calm... the guide informed us that if we wnated to do body surfing...we could just jump into the water.......i had no clue what the hell that meant... so i asked him what the hell was that... he told me ... u jump into the water and u will know....i informed him that i dnt know how to swim..... he said dnt worry i am there.,.... u jump.... well he said jump.... so i jumped.....plain simple........yes...i did really jump into a flowing river about 30 -40 feet deep water....wearing a life jaket and not knowing how to swim......it was great fun... i found mysel;f flotaing aways to glory a.... and i enjoyed every bit of it... i was floating for alomt 1 km in the water.... without any fear and iit was damn good...... i mean reallyy....

After some time i came on the boat and started paddling again... tis time it was still water. As the other rafts came closer to us we started throwwing water on them from a bucket which was in out raft.....suddenly alomst 7 rafts full of grown people...with an average age of 32-34 are throwing cold water at each other........from the ganga river.....and trust me I personally ensured every single one of them got completely wet......trust me i was like this undisputed champion who kept on consistently throwing water at everybody...infact a sophisticated couple from Delhi was lying around on the raft and chillin... and suddenly i come closer and i thorw a bucket full of chilled water on them......ooo boy that was a site........the gentleman wanted to murder me after that .... Really he wanted to kill me and i was getting these sadistic pleasures at my achievement..... hehehe that was really a lot of fun.....we passed threw a few more strong rapids... and then ended it after some time.;.....the moment we stepped out we had some nice chana chor garam.... yummy ..... and headed back for the camp.....played some beach volley ball and chilled .....

The night was fun , born fire, live music, a nice drink and calm composed river to look at chilled out.,.. had fun with people..after this we moved on to go to Chamba the next day.......... chilled out day... got a massage done and then evening we chilled again...drove back from Chamba to Delhi the next day

Once I Delhi it was back to the usual day, working and stuff. Worked for another day… and next day I was back in Mumbai….on my flight back I was alone and hence I had a lot of things to think about what went right in the trip .. what went wrong…. Things I did etc…

I dnt know if i left a part of me there behind at Rishikesh or found a new part of me in Rishikesh,,, i am still looking for an answer.,.... hope i can find it sooon.......

Sinfully Peacefully ...2 ( Contd)

We landed at the beach... literally.....i hear this bald guy whistling at us and calling us a few steps ahead... it was easy to figure out that the guys was in charge of the camp..... a few guys from the camp handed us these ice cold aromatic towels to clean our hands and faces.... suddenly i felt like royalty....they gave us nice cold orange/mango juices to drink.....which felt nice and we were refreshed.....The bald guy was Akshay...yes... the guy in charge for the camp.....Akshay started briefing us on the rules of the camp and gave us a brief on what was installed for the rest of the day.....he informed us about our tents... our loo’s...and blah blah blah blah....all set i moved towards my tent which i shared with one of my client.... actually the business head ....fabulous guy with great business sense and a great person to know.....

A nice tent, set up a little higher on the rocks, bed with a towel, Osho chapels, a packet of Biotique products, toothpaste and a couple of other essential accessories which was quiet not expected frankly speaking .... but since they were there ... it felt great.... luxury actually

As soon as i walked out of the camp....natures call..... and boy was it a strong one.. i could almost feel the strong currents....as strong as the rafting experience a while back…. i am not kidding man.,.. Seriously... i ran to the loo ..my search for the loo by now had a become a treasure hunt... i knew what i was looking for, i dnt know what it looked like.....but i needed it desperately.....i saw this maroon kind of rectangle tents and i ran in their direction....i opend the curtains, zipped my pants down and i get the shock of my life... instead of a loo... i find myself standing in front of a neat , very clean BOX.... yes i am write... it was a big 2 feet high box which had the cover of the pot.......which read specially disinfected......i mean wow.... i dnt know what to do.... suddenly i remembered that baldy Akshay had briefed us on it and said... that lift the box, use it, use the toilet paper on the left.. when u are done....get up and just throw a bucket of sand over it so that it dsnt smell..... the whole in the 2 feet thunder box.,.... as i wish to call it was almost 5 feet ... which was good.... i was quiet amused and it felt like....really being on the outskirts....i mean really living life away from the daily facilities and more like surviving without luxury.....

Post my thunder box experience.... i had a nice bath with warm water... refreshed.... i walk back towards my tent and hear some news on the other side on the beach... i realize that not too many people are around my side… .... so even i change my direction and move towards the yelling, and music and some other unrecognizable sounds also..............I find myself among a group of people, a born fire and a lot of drinks happening....wow..,. How kewl is that......drinks at Shivpuri ( this is the place where we were staying but a little away from the city)

I grabed myself a drink, chilled out with everybody, nice group of friendly people,,, people singing ...and getting drunk and discussing the way they reached the camp just basically getting to know each other.....i was too tried.... by now... the vodka shots started getting on to me... so i decided to leave and go back to my tent.... i walked through the pebbles and the stones... and the soft sand which i cudnt see.....walked into my tent .,.. and just crashed.....

I was dreaming by now... of something which i dnt remember.....suddenly i hear the sound of a flute.... and what an amazing sound....it was like the sounds of the hills, the birds, the rivers, nature playing its best music ever... i was quiet sure i was dreaming and refused to open my eyes...... i dnt want to get up... dnt want to get up with a fear that i will loose this peacefull music if i open my eyes.....but almost after 5 minutes i gave up.... i open my eyes and hear the same music.....by now i am delighted.... i am surprised.....i again have that stupid smile on my face .... Like a kid i jump out of my bed and run towards the open grounds….... i throw open the curtains of my tent and see the most beautiful and I mean the most beautiful site in front of me..... a silver sand beach, a slow moving river and green mountains spread across all over......and to top it all the same music... on my right a couple of feet away stood this nepali guy from the hills playing the most melodious sounds of flute that i had ever heard.......my dream came true...literally and for once i was glad that i opened my eyes .......soothing, beautiful, melodious, calm, warm, healthy sounds and ambience which just set the mood to a greater high..... if ever In my life I can say that felt like heaven….that was it.. that moment has still frozen in me forever.. the very thought of it leaves me in a state of awe…


I walk down bare foot on the beach for my cup off coffee set right in middle of all the tents....make my cup......and just stand there and loom around... in had nothin to more to say or do then....just wanted to soak every single feeling that was .....slowly people started getting up and we started chatting up with each other..... the baldy Akshay walks in again.... and asks us all to get ready for a jungle trek...... i looked at him and i wnated to shout...." its bloody 6 \'ol clock in the morning and u want me to go on a jungle trek.... whats wrong with u\'\'\' but i quietly walk into the room, change, wear my shoes and i am ready...ready for the jungle trek too...\n\n \nthe whole ambience, nature made me feel very fresh and great... and i was almost ready for anything.....we once again take the raft and head towards the other end towards the mountains......we start our jungle trek along with other people.... boy it was a tough one.....but the uphill and down hill walk following directions was once again like great exciting trip for me......i was tired but i enjoyed every bit of it.....we came back had a very nice breakfast and then were informed that we will be headed for some rafting....white water raftig.....we drove up towards rishikesh... to this place called Marine Drive.....Akshay briefed us on the rafting bit, we were geared up for it and we all started in excitment and everything.... but the water at that leg was very calm and composed so.,.. the rafting was just okkk nothing much... we just paddled and after some 50 minutes reached our camp back.... basically we had a horrible guide .....ya... everything cnt go right.... so there we were ... we had lunch at the camp... which was yummy again.... and then somebody told me that we were going to do cliff jumpinmg......i am happy once again...

Contd on 3.......

Sinfully Peacefull (1)

This is a while ago.. Almost a good 6-7 months back……I went on an official trip..This was supposed to be work and pleasure both.

The event was an SUV car rally staring from Delhi moving on to rishikesh and stuff…to promote the brand. Since I was the only guy in office besides my Director… I was the lucky one who was assigned to work on it….i made a face about working on a holiday but I knew that I was very happy about it and I knew it was going to be a lot of fun….

So there it was.. I went to Delhi… 2 days before the actually went.. Was working most of the time....then came the rally day... we started our day with a lovely breakfast at Olive... which was yummy...huge spread and really very yummy.....

There were about 13 teams participating including a couple of celeb teams... the interesting part was they were all SUV’s like ford Endeavour, Honda CRV, Pajero, Prado, and a lot more

All teams drove from Delhi to Rishikesh for about 8 hours straight without stopping.... and boy it was soo much fun.,…...actually the car was quiet horrible....cause three people cant sit at the back......too congested.. any case...

While we were going I was part of one of the media team and I quoet enjoyed it. Cause we stopped after every 30 minutes and shot a couple of angles… which was quiet interesting

We parked our cars and the organisers asked us to take our bags and move in a certain direction....it was pitch dark and we culd only see some part of the road cause of a torch... suddenly we see some light.... i see a beautiful; candle lit pathway in pitch dark surrounding guiding us to certain place.... small pebles set the ground while the candles put in colourfull paer bags over some sand laid all the light ......as we moved closer i could here sound of some gushin water....


Suddenly i find myself standing on the edge of a beach..... with fast running... no actually gushing water and these guys loading luggage and people on the raft....and suddenly i realize that the rally has begun... te feeling sinks in... where i start feeling excited yet i am a little scared.....so many thoughts but i dbt know what to do.. i did what everybody did... followed instructions......somebody took my luugage..... threw a life jacket at me... i looked at teh life jacket like a piece of art.... cause i had never worn one.... nooo i am exaggertaing... i wore it easily.....and just went to the guy to make sure it was fitted well.... not so that i look good but purely cause it was supposed to save my life rember............!!!!!!!!!!

Anyways i folded my jeans, and hopped on to the raft.... held on tightly to the saftey ropes.... the guy pushed the raft in to the water and i could feel it... i could feel my fear gripping on to me..... i had this smile on my face which was like a kid who was let loose in this world of excitmenet and adventure.....something he had never faced before... as the nepali guide rafted the boat... i could feel the crrents getting stonger.. my jeans were a little wet by now.... not cause i peeeed into them stupid.. cause the water from the rapids kept coming inside ......we were suddenly out of the blue caught in this big water rapid which just threw us a couple of ffeet away.... luckily on the right side of the raft........my heart beat shot up and my smile became stronger..... i wasnt too sure if i was scared or was i enjoying it.... but i just smiled... and smiled more ... untill the water calmed down and we moved closer to the beach camp.....that is whn i realised that the child in me wasnt scared... wasnt scared at all... its just that the whole ambience away from the bustling trffic and given me some kind of a high.... i felt like i had started to smoke the pot ... and began to enjoy the feel of it......


Continued in Part 2...

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Cause i fell in Love.....
Once upon a time, a long time ago, I fell in love. And there was laughing and funny breaths and happiness. There was much rejoicing. And then, SHUT! Over. Gone. Dead. Completely cut off. Disconnected. The taste still fresh in my mouth. The smell still on my skin. The feeling left in my fingertips. But I can't get that feeling back. I may spend my entire life trying to get back into that Polariod. Fighting all the way. The best thing I have ever known. Even now, years later, anytime I come close to it I want to dive in.

Sink or swim. I don't care. I would give anything to be even in the room next to it. Across the street. A breath away. Remembering what I never let myself forget. Looking someone in the eye and knowing; another time, another place, it is right there. In front of me. Within reach. Just open my fingers and wrap them around it. Hold it tightly. And never let it go. Never. Never!!

I fought. I fought hard. But only with myself. Sometimes I wonder if I should have fought harder? With HER. With IT. Tried to work it out. It all made sense for about fifteen seconds. Just enough time to say, ?You're right.? What the hell was I thinking. Why didn't I say . . . . something. My line of thinking was ?if she doesn't want it, I don't want to push it.? Why try to keep her where she doesn't want to be? But she did want to be there. She had to.
She was happy!!!

There were nights I cried. When we were together and then I took her home and on the way home I cried…again…... Not because I was sad, or even missed her already, but because I was happy. So happy I couldn't contain myself. I talked to God. Whether I believed in him or not. And I said thank you. Over and over. Again and again. I couldn't believe it was real. That I could actually touch her. Kiss her. Look into her perfect dark brown eyes and see myself. But I could. I had seen her before. IN the coffee shop. And I said to myself ?I would give up everything if she would even turn my way.? She was light years beyond me. Another plane. Another class. Confident, beautiful, at peace. So sure. Not for me. I couldn't even dream it. No way could I ever make it real. Did she feel what I felt? I have to believe she did.. really she did… exactly like the way I felt about her….

If I didn't it would be so hard to breathe.. so hard to SURVIVE. So hard to get up in the morning. So hard to be. No one will be her. No one will have those dark brown eyes. No one will have that one lock of hair hiding all her secrets. And no one, ever again (shudder) will make me whole. Not like that.

I'm scared. I'm so scared. What if it is real? What if never? What if I'm right? Do you ever wonder, do you ever ask yourself, ?can I live without love?? Can I open my eyes? I'm afraid to. There is a feeling. You know it. This trembling completeness. This warmth. That makes everything big. And you are ten feet tall all the time. Everyone is looking at you. You are the one. The one she chose. The one she calls when everything is wrong, and when everything is right! She is the one who reaches out for you. For ME and only ME.

She once said ? I need you.? I was done. That was what I was looking for all my life. Those words. For something so pure as this creature to need ME! Could not be real. Could not be my life. But it was. Of course, it WAS! It isn't anymore. It is gone. So far away. And it will never be there again. I see little pieces of it everywhere. A glance, a smile, a touch. I feel desperate. I feel alone. So much out there. But I only want to hear one thing. Not sure what. But I will know. If I ever get the chance.

I will stretch out my fingers, grasp it tightly, and NEVER LET IT GO! But till then; I will be here. With my open hand. And my desperate heart. And my cold skin. Slowly, regrettably, forgetting just enough that I can survive from one day to the next. To remember is to suffer. To see what was and then look at what is. To hear a voice, feel my heart stop. Watch my breath studder in the cold. She, She can be almost anyone. She can read me like a book. I will open to any page for anyone. Cover to cover. Nothing to hide. Not the fear, the pain, or the hopelessness. It is all there. Large print ; easy to read.

Secrets dissolve in tears. Dissipating into honesty, innocence, need. I was lost and now I'm found. I was blind but now I see. Maybe I don't want to. ……

I know I am over it…....May be I am not!!

Will I ever go weak on my knees again? Will somebody rock my world again? Someday……..Once Again….